HOPING
TO SURVIVE, LEARNING TO FORGIVE:
A Look into
Genocidal Psychology
and the Process of Forgiveness
By
RYAN
WHITELEY SMITH
Senior Thesis submitted to my Integrated Studies Board
of Utah Valley
University in partial fulfillment of the
requirements
for a Bachelor of Science in Integrated Studies
PSYCHOLOGY
AND SOCIAL SCIENCES
Orem,
Utah
April
2013
Table of Contents
Abstract........... 4
........... ........... ...........
Introduction ........... 5........... ...........
Genocide........... 5
Social Identity Theory........... 7
Truth and Reconciliation Commissions........... 7........... ........... ...........
Rwanda........... 10
Immaculée Ilibagiza........... 13
Genocidal Psychology and Those who
Survived........... 16
Coping with Anger and Loving Your Enemies........... 17
What is Forgiveness? ........... 20........... ...........
Learning to Forgive ........... 22
Benefits and Healing Power of Forgiveness
........... 24
Rwanda Revisited........... 25
References........... 27........... ........... ...........
Abstract
This
paper will discuss genocides and the road that survivors take in learning to
forgive in the aftermath. Through the stories of survivors such as Immaculeé
Iligabiza we learn the importance of hope and perseverance. These stories of
survival and forgiveness not only heal the individual, but the country as a
whole. The psychological consequences of losing the family and life one once
loved can impact a person’s thoughts and future endeavors.
Forgiveness
is the decision to let go of anger, resentment, and thoughts of revenge.
Forgiveness can lead to feelings of understanding, empathy, and compassion for
the ones who’ve harmed or offended. How does a person forgive another after
terrible violence has been done to them? The
transforming power of forgiveness can turn individuals from helpless victims to
masters of their reality. The concepts of learning to
cope with anger and forgiving our enemies as well as forgiveness from a
personal and societal viewpoint will be explored.
“To
err is human, to forgive; divine.” – William Shakespeare
Introduction
Nearly everyone has been hurt by the
actions or words of another. Deep emotional wounds can leave someone with
feelings of bitterness, anger, and desire for vengeance. Forgiveness is an
undervalued and under practiced principle in society. By embracing the idea of
forgiveness a person can also gather feelings of peace, hope, gratitude, and
joy. Forgiving will enable a person to travel down a path of physical,
emotional, and spiritual well-being. Practicing forgiveness can lead to a
physical and emotional health. This virtue is one of the highest and most noble
of virtues a person can possess.
This
paper will examine the effects of genocide on those that survive and the
process of learning to forgive the perpetrators. The transforming power of
forgiveness can turn individuals from helpless victims to masters of their
reality.
Genocide
Humanity
has experienced many terrible disasters, but non-worse than the genocides that
have occurred when one group of people has persecuted and sought the
annihilation of another. Genocide and ethnic cleansing have been happening
throughout human history. From the Crusades, to the Inquisition, the Reign of
Terror, to the Jewish Holocaust and the mass killings in Rwanda, humanity has
seen its share of inhumanity and hatred between people. History will continue
to repeat itself and humans will likely not overcome the psychology of hate.
Lessons that should be learned are lost in ignorance.
Carny
(2000) said “ While democracies must ardently protect freedom of speech, they
must also set limits on forces that threaten to undermine the foundations of
democratic society, such as efforts to legitimate and incite violence against
groups of people” (Carny 2000, pg. 17).
Webster’s
Dictionary defines genocide as “ The deliberate and systematic destruction of a
racial, political, or cultural group” (Merriam-Webster Dictionary, 2004). This
leaves unclear what makes up a group of people, or how many people can be
killed before it is considered a genocidal event and not just an incident of
murder. As humans we still tend to ignore those who have lived through genocide
and their experiences. The cry for “never again” seems to be continually forgotten
by the global community. Indifference and hate go on and though we have
witnessed such tragedies in the past we do nothing to prevent them.
The
human race is connected both genetically and biologically and inside we are all
made of the same blood, bone, and tissue. All of us have the basic survival
needs, which include mental and physical health, love, and a sense of safety.
The view “my tribe is better than your tribe” is a basic indigenous idea
engrained in the human psyche. Humans typically view someone else as “the
other,” who is below us, and the scapegoat for our problems. Groups that begin
genocidal crimes use this idea to weaken others and promote their selfish
agendas through propaganda.
Leaders
of genocidal acts use lies to keep the psychology of hate in play. Hitler and
his Nazi party used old prejudices against the Jews to label them as outsiders
who threatened the Christian German Aryan majority within Germany. It was
thought that for the good of the majority a minority, which is unfit to inhabit
the same land, needed to be removed. In Rwanda the Hutus used faulty science to
prove that Tutsis were of another race and not worthy to dwell among them. They
were less than Hutu; they were cockroaches, vermin; they were “the other’s.”
During
his time in Auschwitz Denis Avey, who was a British POW, describes the horrors
he experienced in his book The Man Who
Broke Into Auschwitz. He says, “It was days before I was able to reflect on
those hours in Auschwitz and appreciate the utter desperation of the place. It
was the worse thing you could do to a man, I realised. Take everything away from
him – his possession, his pride, his self-esteem – and then kill him. Kill him
slowly. Man’s inhumanity to man doesn’t begin to describe it” (Avey 2011, pg.
149).
Social
Identity Theory
Henri
Trajfel, a British social psychologist, came up with the Social Identity Theory
based on a person’s sense of who they are in relation to the community or group
membership they are a part of. He said that the group that a person is part of
gives an individual their source of pride and sense of belonging. A group will
give a person their sense of social identity within the world at large.
Trajfel
thought that stereotyping was a normal cognitive process that people
inadvertently did. When stereotyping people typically will exaggerate the
differences between the two groups, and also the similarities of aspects within
the same group.
To
increase out self-image people will try to enhance the status of the group that
they belong to. Based upon social categorization the world becomes divided into
an “us” and “them” conflict. Social identity theory labels the “us” group as
the in-group and the “them” group as the out-group. The in-group will seek out
negative aspects of the out-group and discriminate against them to build pride
within their own group. Racism spawns from prejudice views amongst cultures and
this tension can lead to violent actions and genocide.
Truth
and Reconciliation Commissions
Truth
Commissions are an important part of the reconciling that a nation does in the
aftermath of genocide. Rimé, Kanyangara, Yzerbyt, and Paez (2011) talk about
the importance of a truth commission in their research article:
After
a war or after the downfall of an oppressive regime, a Truth and Reconciliation
Commission (TRC) is a popular tool in the transition to peace. It has already
been used in more than 30 countries. TRCs are temporary non-judicial
institutions empowered by the state. They provide a forum in which victims,
offenders, and other community members can express themselves. Conflicting
parties are expected to hear each other’s grievance and suffering with hope to
promote understanding and empathy. In post-apartheid South Africa, the famous
TRC relied heavily upon such an association of expression, truth telling,
healing, and reconciliation. Nelson Mandela explicitly wanted the TRC “to heal”
the South African nation’s wounds (Rimé et al. 2011, pg. 1).
Martha
Minow said, “National healing and reconciliation takes precedence over
individual healing in the design of the TRC, but it would be wrong to suggest
that a commission by itself could accomplish the reconstruction of a society
devastated by violent and hostile divisions. The TRC is committed to exposing
abuses by the liberation forces as well as the apartheid officials and
supporters, and perhaps this commitment to the injuries on both sides can
support reconciliation over time” (Minow 1998, pg. 79).
In South Africa the restorative justice
body assembled after the abolition of apartheid (a system of minority
domination based on economic, political, and territorial status that lasted
almost fifty years) was the Truth and Reconciliation Commission. Witnesses who
had been identified as victims gave statements of their experiences.
Perpetrators were able to give testimony and request amnesty from prosecution.
It was an arena open to forgiveness. In Truth
Commissions and Procedural Fairness Mark Freeman states, “Since the advent
of South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC) in the 1990’s, it
is difficult to conjure an example of a political or post conflict transition
in which the idea of establishing a truth commission has been overlooked. For
the most part this is a good thing. There is often a sense that truth
commissions can do magic: heal nations, reconcile victims and torturers, ensure
the rule of law, and establish a culture of human rights” (Freeman 2006, pg.
11).
Established
in 1995 set up on terms of the Promotion
of National Unity and Reconciliation Act and based in Cape Town the mandate
as to bear witness to, record and in some cases grant amnesty to the
perpetrators of crimes relating to the violations of human rights.
The
process by which South Africa arrived at its commission is quite different from
other models and was a more peaceful transition than occurred in other
countries. It is very democratic in nature and gave as many people as possible
the opportunity to participate in the formation of the TRC. The work of the TRC
in South Africa has been successful in part thanks to its high profile
committee members such as former Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Dr. Alex Boraine,
Mary Burton and others. Prominent national figures like Nelson Mandela and
Desmond Tutu helped to give the committee a platform and credibility amongst
other nations.
There
are two unique features of the South African model of Truth Commissions: that
of parliamentary legislation and the powers granted to the commission. In most
cases, the president or the prime minister of the country has appointed
commissions. But in South Africa the benefit that came from being based in an
act of parliament is that a democratically elected group participated in the
debate and finalized the content of the commission. There were three committees
formed in order to accomplish the purposes of the TRC. The first committee, the
Human Rights Violations Committee, investigated abuses that occurred between
1960 and 1994. The second committee was labeled the Reparation and
Rehabilitation Committee was given the charge to restoring victims’ dignity and
proposals to help with the rehabilitation. The third committee was given the
duty to consider applications from individuals who applied for amnesty; this is
referred to as the Amnesty Committee.
A
further difference from most commissions is the powers that were given to the
TRC. The commission has the powers of search and seizure and this allows them
to invite alleged perpetrators to come before the TRC. The commission can
secure documents that had been secreted away by the previous government. Thus,
agreements have been made between by political parties and the military to make
submission to the committee public. The South African model widened the mandate
to include public hearings of major institutions such as political parties, the
legal system, faith communities, and the armed forces. In dealing with the case
of South Africa Rotberg and Thompson says:
Another
common defense of truth commissions adopts the perspective of the victims. Some
proponents of this defense follow a therapeutic approach, pointing to the
psychological benefits of offering public testimony and receiving public
confirmation of injustices. Others take a more theological approach, focusing
on the value and meaning of acts of forgiveness and repentance. Archbishop
Desmond Tutu, the chair of the TRC, has emphasized Christian forgiveness as a
great value of the body’s proceedings. He connects this Christian idea to the
secular goal of the commission –reconciliation (Rotberg and Thompson 2000, pg.
29).
Rwanda
The
people of Rwanda have a common past. The people who first lived there raised
crops and cattle. Those who owned the cattle were called Tutsi and everyone
else was referred to as Hutu. During this early time a person could change
categories through marriage or the acquisition of more livestock. Soon after
the Europeans arrived in the area the terms “Tutsi” and Hutu” denoted a racial
role. Germans were the first to colonize Rwanda in 1894 and they felt that
those labeled as Tutsi had more European characterizes, such as a taller frame,
lighter skin, and a thinner nose, thus Tutsis were put in roles of
responsibility.
Following
World War II the Germans lost control of Rwanda to the Belgians who took over
running of the country. The Belgians further emphasized the categories of “Tutsi” and “Hutu” and mandated that
every person carry an identification card with them. Tutsis, although making of
about 10% of the population still carried out roles of responsibility and this
upset the Hutus. In the country’s struggle for independence, the Belgians,
facing a revolt by the Hutus switched the status of the two groups, which in
turn angered the Tutsis. The Hutus now ran the new government and animosity
would continue for decades.
In
his book Escape from Rwanda John Yves
Bizimana describes the history of the country from what he remembers of his
childhood. “I have heard the notions that Rwandans were once a reasonably
united people. I don’t know that they were actually united. I think it was more
a case of respecting each other’s turf; they may not have been completely
peaceful, but at least they could get along with teach other. That easy peace
existed until the Belgian colonizers came and played on what they observed to
be differences between these two groups. The Belgians emphasized those
differences in their strategy of dividing in order to conquer” (Bizimana 2010,
pg. 18).
In
1994 the East African state of Rwanda had a population of close to seven
million people and was made up of three different ethnic groups: Hutu (85%),
Tutsi (14%), and the Twa, a small group of hunter-gatherers (1%). The country
was stained red with blood when Hutus murdered nearly 800,000 Tutsis after a
plane carrying President Habyarimana, who was Hutu, was shot down. Tutsi
extremists were believed to be behind the attack and tensions between the two
tribes had reached a boiling point. The government called upon the Hutus to rid
the country of all Tutsis and so began a bloodbath in which Hutus embarked on a
relentless campaign to kill every Tutsi “cockroach” they came across. Political
leaders in positions of authority and other high-profile opponents of the Hutu
extremists, who may have been able to control the situation, were killed
immediately. Those suspected of being Tutsi, and even Hutus who opposed the
killings, were found and killed. Often entire families and neighborhoods were
slain at a time. Women were brutally raped and children and infants were killed
and left in the streets or thrown into massive piles. As frightened Tutsis fled
roadblocks were set up throughout the country to catch people trying to escape
to neighboring countries. The plan was to destroy the entire Tutsi population.
The
genocide only ended when the Tutsi dominated group, the RPF (Rwandan Patriotic
Front), took down the Hutus and President Kagame, a Tutsi, took office. In
roughly one hundred days nearly three quarters of the Tutsi population had
perished.
National
governments elsewhere share in the shame of this tragedy in part because they
were aware of what was occurring and didn’t respond. The world needs to learn
from Rwanda and be ready to intervene when another event of this magnitude
takes place. Concerning ignorance of the Rwandan genocide Möller (2010) said
“The construction in the West of memories of the Tutsi genocide is indicative
of the curious workings of memory: people can collectively remember an event
that they had decided to ignore when it took place” (Möller 2010, pg. 7).
“For evil to succeed all that was needed was
for the righteous to do nothing.” – Ernie Lobet, survivor of Auschwitz.
Immaculée Ilibagiza
The
story of Immaculée Ilibagiza is one of faith, determination, and a remarkable
ability to forgive others who inflicted tremendous pain upon her.
Immaculée
and her family were Tutsis, but when the killings in Rwanda began her father
told her to go to the house of a Hutu minister named Simeon Murinzi. He was a
lifelong friend of the family and they hoped he would have compassion on them
and help to hide Immaculée during the massacre. Murinzi was reluctant at first,
as he was already trying to protect other Tutsi women, but he agreed to take
her in. In order to hide from the killers, and the extended family of Murinzi,
Immaculée was forced to hide in a tiny concealed bathroom at the back of the
house with six other women. While in hiding Immaculée taught herself to read.
She finished the entire King James Bible hiding in the bathroom for nearly
three months.
Immaculée
naturally began to hate those who went through the streets killing her
neighbors and friends, but as she prayed to God she struggled to find it in her
heart to forgive. In her book she recounts her pleadings, “Please open my
heart, Lord, and show me how to forgive. I’m not strong enough to squash my
hatred –they’ve wronged us all so much … my hatred is so heavy that it could
crush me. Touch my heart, Lord, and show me how to forgive” (Iligabiza 2006,
pg. 93).
She
learned to love thanks in part to a God who she found during the darkest
moments of her life. One of the best examples of love is that displayed by
Immaculée while meeting her family’s killers after the genocide in Rwanda was
finally over. One can’t help but marvel at the strength and faith shown by
Immaculée within those small walls of that bathroom alongside six other women.
She
says “In God’s eyes, the killers were part of His family, deserving of love and
forgiveness. I knew that I couldn’t ask God to love me if I were unwilling to
love His children” (pg. 94). Immaculée further recounts:
In
the midst of the genocide, I’d found my salvation. I knew that my bond with God
would transcend the bathroom, the war, and the holocaust…it was a bond I now knew
would transcend life itself. I lifted my heart to the Lord, and He filled it
with His love and forgiveness. Being in that bathroom had become a blessing for
which I’d be forever thankful. Even if my parents had perished in the bloodshed
outside, I would never be an orphan. I’d been born again in the bathroom and
was now the loving daughter of God, my Father (pg. 107).
She
decided, “I knew that my heart and mind would always be tempted to feel
anger–to find blame and hate. But I resolved that when the negative feelings
came upon me, I wouldn’t wait for them to grow or fester. I would always turn
immediately to the Source of all power: I would turn to God and let His love
and forgiveness protect and save me” (pg. 197).
She
had suffered exactly what one would expect someone to suffer in such an ordeal:
mortal terrors and a bitter anger at the men who were out to destroy her. Her
entire family was murdered except one brother who was in a nearby country
attending a university.
Much
later in life Immaculée went to a prison to visit a man that had murdered her
mother and her brother Damascene. His name was Felicien and she recognized him
as the father of some of her childhood friends. Upon meeting him she realized
that his voice was among those that had called out her name during searches of
the pastor’s house while she sat cramped in the bathroom. Felicien had once
been a handsome, well-dressed, respectable businessman, but now he sat unkempt,
and covered in sores, merely a shell of his former self. He sobbed and looked
at the floor as Immaculée approached. In her own words she recalls the meeting.
I could feel his shame. He looked up at
me for only a moment, but our eyes met. I reached out, touched his hands
lightly, and quietly said what I’d come to say. “I forgive you.” My heart eased
immediately, and I saw the tension release in Felicien’s shoulders before the
guard pushed him out the door and into the courtyard. Two soldiers yanked
Felicien back to his cell and when the head prison guard returned to me he was
furious. “What was that all about Immaculée? That was the man who murdered your
family. I brought him to you to question… to spit on if you wanted to. But you
forgave him? How could you do that? Why did you forgive him?” I answered him
with the truth: Forgiveness is all I have to offer” (pg. 204).
From
the love shown toward the killer of her family it shows that forgiveness not
only benefits the victim and their family, but also the perpetrator. A sense of
peace is realized and a small amount of restitution is bestowed upon someone
who once displayed hate but has pleaded silently for a chance at forgiveness.
She
ends her book with these words, “The love of a of a single heart can make a
world of difference. I believe that we can heal Rwanda–and the world-by healing
one heart at a time. I hope my story helps” (pg. 210).
Since
leaving Rwanda Immaculée Iligabiza has since spent much of her life helping
others to learn to forgive as she did. She works for the United Nations in New
York City and has established the Ilibagiza Foundation, which helps others
begin healing from the long-term effects of genocide and war.
Genocidal
Psychology and Those Who Survived
What
is it that allows a person to endure such persecution and survive to tell their
story for the world to learn from?
What sort of mental endurance and determination keep a prisoner and
victim clinging to any amount of hope? The psychology of survival is exactly
that: hope. When all seems impossibly lost finding belief in an external force
can turn helplessness into a plan to live.
Josef
Stalin once said, “A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a
statistic.” As casual as this statement is it is surprisingly psychologically
accurate.
Perpetrators
of war and hate crimes rely on putting their victims into a cycle of fear,
humiliation, guilt and despair. To dehumanize another person someone may label
a group separate from the majority with a symbol, identification card, or
number. This classifying affects victims psychologically and with laws that
only pertain to them, a group will feel much inferior to those around them.
Dehumanization is a key tool to the destruction of a group of people, using
their differences, no matter how small; to alienate them from their own society
and show they are unwelcome.
Most victims live in constant fear and
shut down emotionally and eventually give up completely, losing any will left
to live. Others start believing that something is different and wrong about
them, and that their enemies are justified in their thinking.
After
living through such inhumanity the experiences of genocide live on in the
survivors’ psyche. Living with the humiliation of torture and rape or watching
this done to others, and unable to do anything; leave a person blaming his/herself
of being physically or spiritually weak. Flash backs of the horrors of war stay
with a person all their life and leave them with survivor’s guilt and emotional
and mental problems. Post-traumatic stress syndrome, phobias, and addiction
problems can hurt a victim for a long time without intervening help.
Sandi
Dolbee in her article on forgiveness mentions a study done to see the physical
effect that people exhibited when they remembered the transgressions against
them focusing on heart rate, blood pressure, facial expressions and sweat
levels. She found that when people remembered the transgressions, these
bio-markers showed elevated stress and tension. She says, “When we had them
think about forgiveness the results were significant. It had a fascinating
quelling effect” (Dolbee, 2008). This same study about forgiveness made
headlines involving Vietnam military veterans experiencing post traumatic
stress disorder (PTSD). The research showed that vets who had trouble learning
to forgive and let go experienced more problems with PTSD.
“We
create a more meaningful life, in which we realize our responsibility to love
others, is in itself an appropriate way of living.” - Victor Frankl
Coping
with Anger and Loving Your Enemies
Anger is a reaction to injustice and it
creates energy and motivation to fight against political or social systems. It
can cause groups to go on strike and to defend human rights. On a personal
level anger can be expressed in healthy ways rather than to punish or harm
others. Anger is intensely and
primarily physical. In the adrenalized state that your body takes after harm
has occurred aggression mounts. To prevent further exploitation you enter a
pure survival-oriented sense. Anger is one of the very hardest impulses to
control because of the inner value of defending against danger.
To
use a healthy approach in productively coping with anger four strategies can be
used before love and forgiveness are possible. These steps are taken from the
Psychology Today online journal article written by Dr. Judith Orloff who is an
Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA. She advises:
The
first step is not to lash back impulsively. Wait before you speak. Pause to
regroup and take a few slow breaths to decide what next to do before something
is said or done that you will regret. Second, an extended “time-out” from a
situation and removal from a negative environment will help to further vent
upset feelings. Manage your stress in a calmer setting where you can be alone.
Remove your thoughts from the present time and anger will expel from your
system. The third step in coping with anger is to allow appropriate time to
identify what has made you angry so that your feelings of hate are not
misplaced. Allotting time to resolve the conflict lets you tap into a more
compassionate response. Finally, don’t address anger when you are tired or
before you sleep. Anger revs up your system and can cause insomnia. And being
well rested makes you less prone to reacting with irritation. She says “The
goal with anger is to own the moment so this emotion doesn’t own you. Then you
can mindfully respond rather than simply react” (Orloff, 2011).
Dealing
with anger is a hard process and individuals will employ different coping
methods to ease the burden of outrage and resentment. It is very hard to reach
a higher stage of love, compassion, and forgiveness. It requires
self-discipline almost greater than we are capable of. In discussing
constructive avenues for our anger Paul Gelinas says:
Thus ordinary happening arouse at least mild anger, which is
felt not only as frustrating but also sometimes disguised as sadness.
Admitting, then, the prevalent anger as a result of frustration we must seek to
reduce that frustration by persisting in expending the energy stirred by anger.
We can reach for love, for a meaningful career, and a way of improving
ourselves and mankind. The process begins at birth and ends only with the
grave. Anyone seeking to avoid that struggle is denying life itself. On the
other hand, there is joy and happiness in loving actively utilizing anger
toward the continuing challenge of frustration in our changing world (Gelinas
1979, pg. 24).
Mercy
cannot rob justice and society needs to be protected from criminals and those
who wish to do harm. As much as forgiveness is a source of power it does not
relieve us of consequences. When tragedy strikes we must avoid personal
revenge, allow justice to take effect and learn to let go. Letting go is
difficult to do and takes time before we are able to empty our hearts of
resentment.
In
his book Man’s Search for Meaning Victor
Frankl talks about the meaning of love. He mentions “No one can fully aware of
the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By the spiritual
act of love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the
beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, that is
not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized” (Frankl 1963, pg. 176).
Henderson
recounts part of the story of Corrie ten Boom, who was imprisoned in
Ravensbrück during World War II, and described seeing one of her guards in a
congregation in Munich. “He came up to her after she spoke and put out his
hand, saying that Jesus had washed away his sins. Corrie, who had preached
forgiveness, wondered how she could give it to someone who had behaved so
badly, but she discovered that when God tells us to love our enemies, he gives
the love itself along with the command.” She said, “You never so touch the
ocean of God’s love as when you forgive and love your enemies” (Henderson 1999,
pg. 126).
“Forgiveness
is the highest, most beautiful form of love.”- Robert Muller
What
is Forgiveness?
There
are many different interpretations to the meaning of forgiveness and this
confusion points to the complexity of the process of letting go of the past.
Forgiveness is a voluntary act in which a decision is made about how a person
will handle an event that occurred in the past. This process shows people how
to repair emotional pain by viewing the person that harmed them in a different
light. We learn to see the world and ourselves in a manner that is more loving
and accepting. The transforming power of forgiveness can turn individuals from
helpless victims to masters of their reality.
Forgiveness
is a personal and conscious decision to let go of feelings of resentment. The
act or event that has harmed someone may always remain a part of their life,
but forgiveness can loosen its grip and help to focus on the other positive
aspects of life. Forgiveness can lead to feelings of understanding and empathy
towards the offender.
Forgiveness
can be a powerful tool that turns anger and bitterness into feelings of
neutrality, or even to positive emotions for some.
Chris
Williams, a devoted husband and father of four, lost his wife and two children
in a drunk driving car crash on a cold February night in 2007. His message is
one of moving forward despite tragedy and the empowering effect of forgiveness.
In his book Let It Go he says “It has
been more than five years since the night of the crash. I feel I have travelled
forward sufficiently for that experience not to be so painful to revisit or
recall. After that fateful night, I found that it was very hard to move forward
and cover a substantial amount of distance. In the first few years after the
crash, I was better off thinking in terms of “baby steps.” The grieving and
longing for my family hasn’t stopped, nor do I expect it to until we’re
together again, but those moments of pain are increasingly sweet and positive
experiences” (Williams 2012, pg. 147).
In
the New Testament Jesus Christ tells his followers that a person should forgive
another seventy times seven. This has a deeper meaning than a set amount of
times that we are to forgive another person and that it is required to forgive
all men whenever needed. While dying on the cross Jesus himself said “Father
forgive them for they know not what they do.” This is a profound statement as
many people look to Christ as the ultimate example in how to live.
Forgiveness isn’t denying the hurt or pain, and it does not have to rely on someone who is untrustworthy. The power of forgiveness gives a person control of their life. Within the process of forgiving, you accept responsibility for your past and this allows you to change your future. You decide then that you are ready to let go of recurring emotional experiences and feelings of hate.
Forgiveness isn’t denying the hurt or pain, and it does not have to rely on someone who is untrustworthy. The power of forgiveness gives a person control of their life. Within the process of forgiving, you accept responsibility for your past and this allows you to change your future. You decide then that you are ready to let go of recurring emotional experiences and feelings of hate.
We
need to begin by recognizing and acknowledging angry feelings. It takes
humility to do this. As we focus on positive aspects of life and learn to love
others despite their misdeeds we rid ourselves of bitterness and allow place
for comfort to return to our hearts.
Sometimes
the act of pardoning is substituted for the idea of forgiveness. Although they
many appear similar on the surface they are theoretically different. In his
book titled Forgiveness Haber
mentions two ideals that are not a part of forgiveness: pardon and mercy, but
often are referred to in the same context. The first ideal is pardoning. He
states, “We may say that the primary difference between pardoning and forgiving
is that the former can issue only from one who is empowered to do so. In other
words, only an authority formally constituted within a legal system or other
system of normative rules is qualified to pardon. Forgiving, however, is
something we do as individuals. Thus we pardon as officials in social roles,
but forgive as persons qua persons. In pardoning an individual we will either
forgo or mitigate punishment that is otherwise deserved. Furthermore, we pardon
individuals for offenses committed against a normative order other than a moral
order” (Haber 1991, pg. 61).
The
other concept that is often viewed as synonymous, but is not, is that of mercy
“As I see it the main difference between mercy and forgiveness is in that to
which we are waiving a right. In mercy, we waive the right to whatever it is we
have a right to do. In forgiveness, -more specifically we waive the “right” to
resent the wrongdoer” (Haber 1991, pg. 65).
Learning to Forgive
Kimball
(1969) in his book says,” Forgiveness is the miraculous ingredient that assures
harmony and love. Without it there is contention. Without understanding and
forgiveness there is dissension, followed by lack of harmony, and this breeds
disloyalty” (Kimball 1969, pg. 275). Learning
how to forgive helps to heal a relationship and lead to a fuller, richer life.
Understanding that each person routinely makes mistakes and offends others
helps us to realize that when we need to find the power to forgive it’s about
letting go of the imperfections of another person. Learning to forgive is a
commitment to the process of change.
President
James E. Faust of the LDS church related a story during a General Conference in
2007 in which he recounts an event that happened in a small Amish community of
Pennsylvania.
The
Amish are a devout group of Christian people that live the simple life without
automobiles, electricity and the use of modern machines. They work hard and
live peaceful lives, separate from the rest of society. They grow crops from
their own fields and sew their own clothing, which is modest and plain.
One
day a local milkman that lived with his family in the nearby Amish community of
Nickel Mines, lost all sense of reason and control and burst into the Amish
schoolhouse. He proceeded to tie up 10 young girls after releasing the boys and
adults. He then shot them, killing 5 and injuring the other 5 before taking his
own life.
This
shocking violence caused anguish and remorse among the Amish but no anger.
Although they were hurt they chose not to hate, and their forgiveness was
instantaneous. As they reached out to the devastated family of the milkman a calming
peace settled in the hearts of the Amish.
“Forgiveness
is not always instantaneous as it was with the Amish. Most of us do not think
first about forgiveness. Our natural response is anger. We may feel justified
in wanting to ‘get even’ with anyone who inflicts injury on our family or us.
Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy that once
consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed
wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our
limitless capacity to accept other people and ourselves” (Faust 2007). The
following statement was released from the family of the milkman:
“To
our Amish friends, neighbors, and local community: Our family wants each of you
to know that we are overwhelmed by the forgiveness, grace, and mercy that
you’ve extended to us. Your love for our family has helped to provide the
healing we so desperately need. The prayers, flowers, cards, and gifts you’ve
given have touched our hearts in a way that no words can describe. Your
compassion has reached beyond our family, and our community, and is changing
the world, and for this we sincerely thank you.”
Their
example of forgiving is an example of Christian love. It had become an
essential component of their religion. We need to forgive to be forgiven.
Benefits and the Power of Forgiveness
Many
studies link forgiveness to improved physical and emotional well-being. The
benefits of forgiveness can be startling, regardless of age, gender, or even
the most imaginable hurts, such as severe sexual abuse or the murder of a
parent or child. Results have indicated that people who are forgiving tend to
have less stress and develop better relationships. They have lower incidences
of more serious illnesses such as depression, heart, disease, stroke, and
cancer. Nursing a grudge raises blood pressure and lowers immune function,
makes one more depressed and causes physical stress to the body.
Quoting
Stephanie Dowrick in his book Forgiveness
Henderson says, “Forgiveness is most healing, most profound when it grows out
of humanity and realism, a hard–won sense that, whether you are entirely to
blame in these events and I am blameless, there is in each of us
insufficiencies and imperfections that can be our greatest teachers” (Henderson
1999, pg. 121).
Tutu
(1999) said, “True forgiveness deals with the past, all of the past, to make
the future possible. We cannot go on nursing grudges even vicariously for those
who cannot speak for themselves any longer. We have to accept that for
generations past, present, and yet to come. That is what makes a community a
community or a people a people–for better or worse” (Tutu 1999, pg. 279).
There
are individuals that are often deemed as “unworthy” to qualify for forgiveness.
These are people such as murderers, rapists, ex-spouses, parents, and others
that have scarred someone else physically or emotionally to the point that they
are felt to be undeserving of any future love. Anyone can and should be a
candidate for forgiveness. It takes a lot of understanding and learning to
realize that all situations and circumstances are worthy of our forgiveness.
Some
people hold onto grudges for a lifetime, unaware that courageously forgiving
those who have wronged us is wholesome and therapeutic. If we can find it in
our hearts to forgive those that have caused us hurt we will rise to a higher
level of self-esteem. Those who forgive become less angry, more hopeful, less
anxious, and less stressed with daily tasks. Forgiveness is a liberating gift
that people can give to themselves.
“Forgiving
is not forgetting; it’s actually remembering—remembering and not using your
right to hit back. It’s a second chance at a new beginning.” - Archbishop
Desmond Tutu
Rwanda
Revisited
It has been almost twenty years since the
genocide in Rwanda occurred. How has the country been able to recover? Have the
people been able to move on from such and tragedy and can scars slowly fade
from the darkest time in Rwandan history?
Josh Ruxin of the New York Times, and
director of Rwanda Works at Columbia University has been living in Rwanda the
last few years trying to help with public health and he recently reflected on
the upcoming anniversary of the genocide. In his article published online in
the New York Times he wrote:
“Rwanda
has rebuilt itself in the aftermath of that tragedy, setting itself apart from
other developing nations by intelligently, efficiently, and transparently
making the most of other nations’ investments and creating the building blocks
of success in agriculture, social services, entrepreneurship, and basic
infrastructure. It is likely that ten years from now, Rwanda intends to be on
par with Brazil, Thailand, and other nations that have pulled themselves out of
poverty in recent decades. The challenges are epic but so is the progress to
date. This nation has shown it can rise from the aftermath of unspeakable
violence, and it is determined to keep that momentum going and take the next
critical steps toward real prosperity” (Ruxin, 2010).
In
conclusion, while there has been similar revolutions and oppression in other
parts of the world, Rwanda’s example is one of a more peaceful recovery and
transition. Although there have been terrorist attacks in the country and
unrest in neighboring regions Rwanda has made important strides since the
genocide in ’94 and if the determination shown by the people are any indication
then Rwanda can do it. Their healing hearts are learning to love again and this
journey begins with individual people.
References
Avey,
D. (2011). The Man Who Broke Into
Auschwitz. Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Press.
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Carny,
I.W. (2000). Innocent Denials of Known
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Faust,
J.E. (2007). The Healing Power of
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I. (2006). Left to Tell: Discovering God
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K. (2010). Rwanda Revisualized: Genocide,
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